Postal

 

She really wants to stab you in your ear.

I work a job. It is not a career.  I deal with 1) lawyers and 2) the general public, two groups who say and do the most asinine things.  Everyday I think I'm about to go crazy from the things I hear all day, every day, without fail, so much that I can pretty much anticipate what a person is going to say when they walk through the door, with about 70% accuracy. 

'Here are the top 5 (or so) things I'm sick of hearing in my office every single fucking day, and the response I REALLY want to give instead of smiling and nodding:

1) "Did you change the office around?"  You've been coming here for 30 years, you old coot... yes, obviously we changed things around a bit.  And it's been several months.  If you had some actual clients, maybe you'd have discovered this earlier instead of being one of the people that reminds me of a very obvious fact every single fucking day and forces me to respond "Yes, we remodeled the office back in October." 

1a) "Am I in the right place?  It looks different."  Again, muthafucker, you've been coming here for 30 years.  Things change.  Adapt. I would start saying no just to fuck with you, but I like my paltry pay check.

2) "Those are some pretty flowers!"  They're FAKE, you numb nutz.  Do you honestly think the government springs for fresh tulips-- purple ones no less-- just to decorate our shitty office?  For $5.99 at Wal-Mart, you can have your very own and stop reminding me how awful and garish the ones sitting in front of me actually are, even if your old ass it too blind to see the fraying edges, plastic seams, and the fact that the vase has absolutely no water.

3)  "I've been doing it this way for 30 years!"  Well, idiot, that just means you've been doing it WRONG for 30 years, and perhaps it's just the case that the government lucked up in this shitty economy and hired someone with the intellect and the balls to actually call you out on it.  It's my way or the highway right now, buddy.

3a) "Well my attorney told me to do it like this."  Your dumb ass attorney told you WRONG, and he, like you, is a moron.  I hope he's got his malpractice insurance up to date.  Attorneys are not gods.... just because they say it doesn't mean it is true.

4)  "This is the right form....I got from your website."  No, you didn't.  Please quit lying.  Or go back and check the URL of the website you did get it from, because it wasn't any of OUR sites that you got that form that is 3 years outdated.  But don't sit here and argue with me about the fact that you, your attorney, or your bank are too incompetent to get the right forms and make it seem like it's our fault for your shortcomings.

5) "I need to pay my taxes."  Stop.  Look down at the paper you are thrusting at me.  What room does it say to go to?  Now look at my door.  Is that number on my door?  No?  Then get the fuck out of my office and quit making me get up and down unnecessarily causing additional stress on my bad knee because your ass can't read.

As a bonus, I need for people to grab a dictionary and use a modicum of thought to understand the following concepts:

Decedent (is not a descent)

Transferee (that's you, idiot... yea, the one getting the money)

Deduction (makes your taxable amount smaller)

Exemption (the amount you get tax free before the state sticks it to you on the rest)

Cause number (is not the cause of death)

Date of death VALUE (is not the date of death)

You asshat......