Yessiree Petunia: GIVEAWAY: Firmoo Glasses!

Usually I don't do this but.....

Since I love Yessiree Petunia Vintage, and I love free glasses......

Yessiree Petunia: GIVEAWAY: Firmoo Glasses!: So here's a bright spot on this freaking incredibly dreary and cold winter day... A GIVEAWAY brought to all you dolls and sirs ...

Foul Weather Friends

We have all heard of the "fair weather friend" and how you can tell
who your true friends are by whether they are there for you during
hard times, not just the good ones. However, I have noticed that there
is another type of "friend" that is far more shady than the fair
weather friend, and that is the foul weather friend.

A foul weather friend will be there at your beck and call when things
are going bad in your life. Just lost your job, going through a
divorce or break-up, recently evicted, kicked out of school..... they
are right there to lend a sympathetic ear and tell you that you didn't
need that job/man/home/education in the first place. But then when
things start to turn around..... *poof* they are gone. Or perhaps not
gone, but that support is gone. Instead it is replaced by snide
comments and sabotage attempts, and you just get the sneaking
suspicion that these people just aren't as happy for you as they ought
to be.

Women in particular see this all the time when it comes to
relationships. When one chick in the single clique gets a man, she is
booted out of the clubhouse. Now of course, some of it can be blamed
on her spending more time with her new beau, and some ladies do
completely shun their old friends in favor of a man. But in some
situations, it's the bit of hate from the single friends that becomes
the wedge in the friendship, but it is easy to blame the friend in the
relationship and accuse her of abandoning her old friends. But who
wants to be around someone who gives you the indifferent shrug when
you tell them about how happy you are in your relationship? Or only
wants to talk about the negative aspects and point out how your man
isn't doing this and that? Or constantly tries to entice you into
situations that are unhealthy and counter-productive to being in a
relationship? It seems like the glue that holds these friendships
together is the ability to commiserate over how much life sucks.

The foul weather friend needs you to have a fucked up life, because it
serves the purpose of making their lives feel less fucked up. Or
perhaps they have a need to feel needed. Or perhaps it's just garden
variety jealousy. But forever reason, the friendship bond
deteriorates when things in your life start turning around, and you
find yourself with fewer friends than you did during your bad times.
But when the break-ups or arguments or misfortunes occur, they are
right back there by your side, ready to co-sign on every bad thing you
have to say.

The measure of a true friend is one who will be there for you during
good AND bad times, not just the bad ones. A real friend will be
happy when you are happy and content in a relationship, not jealous
and competing for your time. A true friend will listen to your good
news without being dismissive. She will know what's going on in your
life besides just the bad aspects. A friend won't make you feel bad
or guilty for being happy. We all need friends to get us through
difficult times in our lives, but don't be so quick to use that as the
sole measure of a good friend.

The Space Between

Disclaimer:  I love supporting local talent.  However, I only support local talent that I truly believe is great.... not by local standards, but by national standards.  Or my standards.  Which isn't always the same thing.  Bottom line, I will only support and endorse talent that I would have no problem telling a friend in D.C., or California, or Minnesota, to check out.  So, with that said.......

Click here to experience and download some great music

Bashiri Asad.....The Space Between.  I have been a fan of Bashiri for some time now.  I used to work across the street from the City Market where occasionally he and Xenobia Green would perform, and right before lunch time I could hear the music from across the street and immediately say "Ah, Bashiri is performing today!"  He is truly an Indianapolis gem.  He performs some amazing covers (because Indianapolis loves their cover performances) but his original work is equally impressive.  I was lucky enough to give a copy of his latest project, The Space Between, and have been thoroughly impressed.  This is definitely a CD that will stay in my car stereo and playing on my computer at work. 


If you are a fan of R&B, or soul, or neo-soul, or good music, or LOVE..... check out where love is really found......The Space Between.

Find Bahiri Asad here:
Web: Bashiri Asad
Twitter: @Bashiri08
Facebook:  http://www.facebook.com/bashiri.asad

My UPDATED Dating Personality

A few years ago, I took the highly entertaining, yet eerily accurate, OK Cupid Dating Persona Test, consisting of 32 "dating types" possible (16 male and 16 female) based on a 4 factor combination (Random vs. Deliberate, Gentle vs. Brutal, Sex vs. Love, Master vs. Dreamer). My result back then: The Playstation (Random Gentle Sex Master).  Admittedly, I was simultaneously in a very bad, but very fun, place. My overarching mentality was "fuckit". And my dating personality definitely reflected that.

Fast forward three years. I decided to take the Dating Personality Test again to see just where I am now. And the results are...... *drumroll please*

The Peach

Random Gentle Love Master (RGLM)

"Playful, kind, and well-loved, you are The Peach.

For such a warm-hearted, generous person, you’re surprisingly experienced in both love and sex. We credit your spontaneous side; you tend to live in the moment, and you don’t get bogged down by inhibitions like most women your age. If you see something wonderful, you confidently embrace it.

You are a fun flirt and an instant sweetheart, but our guess is you’re becoming more selective about long-term love. It’s getting tougher for you to become permanently attached; and a guy who’s in a different place emotionally might misunderstand your early enthusiasm. You can wreck someone simply by enjoying him.

Your ideal mate is adventurous and giving, like you. But not overly intense."

Your exact female opposite:

The Nymph - Deliberate Brutal Sex Dreamer

Consider:

The Loverboy (RGLM)

The Playboy (RGSM)

The Boy Next Door (RGLD)

Always Avoid:

The False Messiah (DBLM)

I am pretty pleased with the result.  I went from a Random Gentle Sex Master to Random Gentle Love Master.  I know that I have evolved over the years, but I was somewhat worried that I had changed way too much, gone "soft."  Apparently, not so.  I am still the same fun-loving, spontaneous, free-spirited person, but with one very important change:  "you’re becoming more selective about long-term love."  Being a Playstation was fun, life as a Peach is much, much more satisfying.

Stalkers: Social Media's Oxymoron

You give real stalkers a bad name

I always see much ado made about online stalkers (or as my Son calls them, creepers).  Facebook stalking, Twitter stalking, Foursquare stalking; every type of social media claims to have its share of stalkers.  People that check up on status updates, photos, comments and friend lists trying to figure out what's going on in a person's life. By some people's accounts you'd think they have a slew of Norman Bates trolling around in their social media ready to snatch back their shower curtains at any moment.  Every so often you'll see a fed up status update taking a swing at these creepers telling them to go away and get a life and quit stalking.

And to this I say, bullshit.

The idea of an online stalker is an oxymoron.  It's like accusing someone of being a voyeur for looking at you walk down the street.  Yes, if you use Foursquare or have the GPS locator feature active on your Twitter account, don't be surprised when people know exactly where you are and where you have been.  If you just told the whole world how much your ass itches, don't be surprised when they sit two seats over from you in class.  If all you talk about is booze and sex, don't be surprised when people assume you are a drunken whore.  And when you spell out your life problems in your status updates, don't expect people not to give advice and pass judgment.  I don't know where people got the idea that information put out on the web on a social media site is private information not open for indiscriminate perusal by any other person who has access to the same social media site, but it's an idea that seems to be running rampant. 

The key word in "social media site" is SOCIAL, which means open sharing with others, not privacy and isolation.  The whole point of these sites is to share information.  If you put photos up, people will look at them; if you put status updates up, people will read them; if you geotag yourself, people will know where you have been.  Notice the dominant word in the foregoing sentence: YOU.  YOU control what information goes out into the public domain via social media sites.  And yes, the internet (with the exception of your e-mail and bank accounts and the like) is the public domain.  These so called stalkers are not stealing your mail from your mailbox or peeping through your drawn blinds or following you around 2 cars behind.  Real stalking takes WORK.  These people online are looking at information that YOU freely and voluntarily put out for them, and everyone else, to see.

Oh, but your say your account is "private"?  How laughable. On Twitter, any of your followers at any time can retweet your "protected" tweets and they're out there for everyone to read (and for Google to search).  And getting around a block is as easy as an unfollow and refollow, or a public search of public timelines.  Or my favorite is the dummy Twitter account where you don't know who is actually behind the e-mail address and fake avatar of your newest follower (yea, I've been gotten by that one before).  On Facebook there are so many layers of privacy protection for each component of the site that you either have to lock down the entire thing, defeating the purpose of a social media site, or make it a full time job to police your page.  I've gone to people's Facebook pages who supposedly don't share info with people who aren't their friends, clicked on their photo tab and get to see all their pictures.  And Foursquare.... c'mon now.  You're telling people exactly where you are and what you are doing AND how many times you've been there (I call it StalkerSquare and no longer use it for a reason). These sites are designed for SHARING, not keeping things to yourself. 

So how about this for privacy?  Get yourself a diary and a photo album and hide them under your bed and you won't have to worry about so-called online stalkers.  If that's not a very desirable option for you, just proceed on these sites with the mindset and assumption that anything you put online can be seen by anyone, and you have NO control over the frequency or thoroughness of their scrutiny.  And know there are human beings viewing these things who are going to make assumptions and pass judgement based upon these brief glimpses you give them into your life.  If I have any online stalkers, I wouldn't know it because I don't worry about it.  I control what I put out there, and on a site like Facebook that's connected to my real name I only put things out there I don't mind my mother and children seeing.  If anyone else wants to take an intense interest in my profile, go ahead, knock yourself out.  I actually find it sort of flattering in a sick and bizarre way. Because, while I may limit access in certain ways, it ultimately is not private.

Perhaps the obsession with online stalkers (and also haters, but that's another post) is a manifestation of acute megalomania.  Or the delusional fantasy that you are a celebrity and these people are your paparazzi.  I don't know.  I'm not saying that there aren't people who get obsessive about checking other's comings and goings and doings online and that probably need to get themselves help and/or a new boo and/or a life.  But that is THEIR problem, not yours.  Your problem is making sure you control what they get to obsess over in the first place.

Old B*tch in the Club

This is not cute.

A few weeks ago I was watching Chris Rock's movie "I Think I Love My Wife" and there was a part when ole girl was talking about why she was deciding to settle down, and one phrase she said has been haunting me ever since:

"I'm 32 years old...... I'm the old bitch in the club."

That statement right there reached right out of the TV and punched me in my face.  It's not that this was some deep revelation that I'd never thought about before.  No, quite the contrary.  I'd been thinking about this A LOT when I've been out at the club, feeling all sorts of annoyance at the songs people were getting hype to, irritation at the ridiculousness of the attire (while at the same time feeling self conscious at my own neo-hippie attire), and frustration the next day (and the day after and the day after) at my sore joints and inability to shake a hangover like I used to.  No, ole girl didn't tell me something I didn't know; she told me something I already knew quite well but was trying my best to ignore.

When I was younger I always said I never wanted to be that old bitch in the club.  The chick that just thinks she's out there killin' the game, when the game she's trying to kill actually passed away 5 years ago.  There's a sort of a sad, pathetic air to her that makes you vow to never be her in 10 years, and instead be someone's kept wife and soccer mom to 2.5 kids and NOT have your ass still in the club.  She and her crew may try to justify their existence by labeling themselves as cougars, when in reality they are just some old chicks that need to go somewhere and saddown.

In a few days I turn 32. I was cool with 30, even cool with 31, but there's something about 32 that's not sitting too nicely with me.  I feel like I ought to be progressing forward through the stages of life, not trying to convince myself that I still belong in a prior stage.  No, I am not saying I am old.  32 is NOT old.  But it is starting to be too old to carry on like I did at 23 every single weekend, out in the club, feet hurting, listening to bad music, trying to be seen, and that being a main focus in life.  I ought to be focusing on building a life for myself, progressing in my career, making lasting relationships with family and friends that will be around long after the party is over.  It's not so much 32 itself that's bothering me, but this mounting pressure to "prove" I'm not old by pushing myself past my ever shrinking limits.  It seems like giving up on (or at least backing down from) those things is seen as defeat, as if life is over and you might as well spend your free time digging your own grave with a teaspoon.

I think I just want to be ok with the fact that I don't want to hang out every single Friday and Saturday night, plus be out all during the week as well.  I want to be ok with getting a movie from the Redbox, an Amy's organic cheese pizza and a bottle of wine and sitting on my couch on a Friday night instead of trying to figure out where the party is.  It's not so much that I am getting old, it's that the club scene is getting old.  The novelty has worn off..... I know all the DJ's mixes, I have a man so I don't need to be validated by men trying to talk to me, I'm past the age where I give a damn about "being seen" or showing off the latest fashions so I can get the approval of other females, and I can make the same stronger drinks at home for a fraction of the price, AND I won't wake up the next morning feeling like crap from the killer hangover and Taco Bell I picked up on the way home.  My body could handle whatever abuse I threw at it five years ago; now, I pay a much steeper price for what are becoming diminishing rewards.

Instead of going to the club, I want to do things that create more meaningful and lasting relationships with people.  When you're young, it's about being seen, having fun, impressing others.  Now, in my 30s, it's about making lasting lifelong connections.  I recently went to my beau's mother's 60th birthday party and was just so amazed at how many people she had in her life that cared about her that came to her celebration.  Later I was talking to her about that and she said most of those people came into her life in the past 20 years after her husband passed away, all from the organizations she belonged to and the activities she did and the help and support people gave her helping to raise her 5 kids.  That made me feel a little better because I was starting to worry that I would end up alone and friendless, as I have been going out less and thus spending less time with friends with whom all we really have in common is going out.  I'm relieved that I still have time to build a meaningful life surrounded by people who truly care about me.

Am I saying I'm done with going out?  No, not at all.  I still like to dress up, dance, socialize and engage in tomfoolery every once in awhile (and still more often than your average homebody).  And I still turn plenty of heads when I do go to the club.  But I want to start having fun my way, not try to replicate what I did at 22, or even 27 (I had a lot of fun at 27).  The same club every single weekend is just no longer my thing. I want to go to more events like festivals, picnics, performances, shows, and trips, activities where I can really connect with people instead of shouting over blaring music and scantily clad drunk girls.  I don't think being 32 in the club in and of itself is a bad thing.  It's trying to live life like I'm not 32 that is.

The (In)significance of Girlfriends

(This is follow up to the previous post, All's Fair in Love and War. I suggest you read it. Thanks.)

Up until about a year and a half ago, it had been a LONG time since I'd held the title of "girlfriend".  Even before holding the title of "wife" for about 9 years, I was "fiance" for a year and a half, and "baby momma" for 5.  Not since I was 15 have I held the title of just "girlfriend"......until now.  I'm sure for most women the status of girlfriend is the norm and utterly commonplace, so I'm sure you have no clue why this makes any bit of difference such that it warrants a blog post (then again, many things written about in blogs don't deserve a blog post).  Patience...... let me explain.

Girlfriends (and boyfriends, too), at first glance, are afforded special status.  To gain that official title means that you play an important and intimate role in someone's life.  However, in reality..... you're one step above nobody.  Here today, gone tomorrow, and nobody (with the exception of a few) hears from or thinks about you ever again.  At best, you become "Who was that chick you messed with a few years ago??  The one with the old kids?", and hopefully not "Man, what was that crazy bitch's name you finally got rid of??"  Girlfriends are some of the most transient, non-permanent individuals in a person's life.  And thus, they are treated as such.

This realization didn't fully hit home until my Son got his first official girlfriend.  She's a nice girl, and so far I like her, but not-so-far in the back of my mind I know this is (hopefully) just a temporary thing in the grand scheme of life.  He's 16 years old, she's 17.  I don't care how much he or she thinks they may be "in love", I know there's a 99.9% chance they will break up eventually, most likely when she goes off to college in a year, if not sooner.  Knowing this (or believing this.... but what's really the difference?), I will be nice, kind, respectful toward their little relationship, but I have no plans on making her an integral part of my family.

(Notice I used the word "little".  I find myself using that a lot in reference to their relationship.  I always refer to her as "Q's little girlfriend" though I am constantly reminded by my own beau that she's not "little" and is very much built like a grown ass woman...... the adjective is not used in the literal sense.  But I digress.)

If you're thinking "Well yes, they are kids, of course you wouldn't think of her like that" then let me change the scenario.  I remember once sitting in my friend's basement talking to his then girlfriend (in her mind at least) and she was going on and on about plans to take trips and what they were going to do next year and we should all plan to do XYZ, blah, blah, blah.  I listened, smiled and nodded, gave the occasional "Oh that would be nice" but the whole time in the back of my mind I'm thinking "Chick, you ain't gonna last through the summer."  And I was right, because what I knew that she didn't was that he was a serial monogamist and I'd seen many like her come and go (and then try to hem me up in the club asking why he went).  So while she thought/hoped/wished/fantasized/delusionally believed she was The One, I knew otherwise, so I saw no need to get myself to attached to the idea of her being around.

So, this has me thinking about my own status as "girlfriend" and wondering how I am different from the females mentioned above, and so far I can't think of any reason why I'm not.  Yes, in my reality and his reality I am a very important individual (and vice versa).  But for everyone else around him who has seen girlfriends come and go, at this point in time they have no reason to take me seriously.  In the eyes of the permanent individuals in his life, I'm the current lady friend who sits in the same position as the past lady friend; the next girl who may just as easily become the ex girl.

The implications of this are twofold.  First is not being taken seriously by family, for the reasons stated above.  But second, and more vexing, is the disrespect and toe stepping by "friends".  Now, when my male friends get a new lady friend, I go out of my way to show that I come in peace and try not to make any sudden, threatening moves.  I think, however, that I am in the minority.  In reality, there is the attitude of "Bitch I was here before you, I will be here after you, and who are you to tell me how I can and cannot deal with MY friend" accompanied by that passive aggressiveness that females have gotten down to a science AND and art that's really not about the guy, but more about whatever the female equivalent of a pissing contest would be.  And honestly, unfortunately..... I can't really argue with the logic.  But logic isn't everything and it still pisses me off.  Add on top of this the notion that all's fair in love and war, and as merely the girlfriend I'm a sitting duck for toe stepping, sneak attacks, tomfoolery, and all sorts of other females' reindeer games.

(Do I sound paranoid?? Sorry......there was an incident.)

The reality is until there is some next level of commitment made, whether intentional (engagement/marriage) or unintentional (baby momma), the status of girlfriend means very little to the outside world.  Sometimes it almost feels like a joke, like I'm just waiting for someone actually to cock their head to side, pat me on the head and say "Oh, that's so cute."  I can almost hear the mental speculation as to whether I'll be the one back next year at the company picnic, or a guest at the next wedding, or at the next family function.....

With all that said, none of this really matters.  All that matters is how he and I feel about each other and the level of mutual respect we show one another.  You must walk before you can run, and walking the role of girlfriend is just one of those normal, everyday life things.  Just another one of my observations from my odd vantage point of being a girlfriend for the first time in my adult life, that's all.