Disclaimer: I love supporting local talent. However, I only support local talent that I truly believe is great.... not by local standards, but by national standards. Or my standards. Which isn't always the same thing. Bottom line, I will only support and endorse talent that I would have no problem telling a friend in D.C., or California, or Minnesota, to check out. So, with that said.......
Click here to experience and download some great music
Bashiri Asad.....The Space Between. I have been a fan of Bashiri for some time now. I used to work across the street from the City Market where occasionally he and Xenobia Green would perform, and right before lunch time I could hear the music from across the street and immediately say "Ah, Bashiri is performing today!" He is truly an Indianapolis gem. He performs some amazing covers (because Indianapolis loves their cover performances) but his original work is equally impressive. I was lucky enough to give a copy of his latest project, The Space Between, and have been thoroughly impressed. This is definitely a CD that will stay in my car stereo and playing on my computer at work.
If you are a fan of R&B, or soul, or neo-soul, or good music, or LOVE..... check out where love is really found......The Space Between.
History is always told from the perspective of the winner, not as it actually went down. Our history books are all written in such a way that applauds the actions of the ones in control and condemns those of the loser. This is simply one of the spoils of war; the winners get to tell the story the way they want it to be told, and very few actually question it. This is not only the case in our civilization's history, but love as well.
Some time last year a good friend of mine was telling me about a new guy she was kickin' it with. He was a musician, handsome, sexy, and despite the fact that he was staying with her (temporarily til he found another place, supposedly), he had a girlfriend. I told her run for your life, he's playing you as live-in booty while he plans a life with this chick, you're gonna get your feelings hurt.
Well, last week they got engaged.
There are two schools of thought when it comes to people who are in pre-marriage relationships: One is that these people are in committed relationships and their relationship should be respected and left alone, and anyone who tries to interfere is just foul and dead wrong. The other, which was best summed up by my mentor who was a notorious flirt, is "You're single until you're married." In the Infinite Wisdom of my 20's (and by "Infinite Wisdom" I mean "I thought I had shit figured out and then I actually lived life and was proven terribly wrong") I was of the school of thought that the latter attitude was just awful and an excuse to sleep around for as long as possible. And even still today I get irritated when someone persists in trying to holla even after I inform them that I have a boyfriend. But my friend's good news got me thinking about whether this issue is as black and white, right vs. wrong, as I originally thought.
Take my friend as example. When she first started "dating" her now fiance, 9 out of 10 disinterested women polled on the street would probably tell you she was being a scandalous scallywag for messing with someone else's man. Now in hindsight though, I would merely have to say "She won." The ultimate purpose of dating (for most people) is to find someone to build a life with, ideally to marry. But the fact is that many people are in lackluster, half hearted relationships that they are holding onto for whatever reason, maybe because it's not bad but not really fantastic, or out of habit, or because that's what they think they want, or whatever. If someone else comes along that is a better match, should they bypass it because of some sense of obligation to the lackluster relationship, or go forward and pursue greater happiness? Should the interloper walk away from someone showing interest in them because that person is supposedly in a relationship which the interloper has no knowledge of its depth or complexity?
Let's take another example: my very own sister. She dated a guy from high school for over 5 years, but then her junior or senior year of college she had another guy incessantly in her ear, calling her all the time over the summer, not really caring at all that she had a boyfriend. That other guy is now my brother-in-law, they have 2 beautiful boys and a wonderful life together. Had he abided by the "rules" and left my sister alone out of "respect" for her relationship with a guy who honestly was slipping, my sister would not have the life she has today. My brother-in-law presented himself as the better option, plain and simple. He won.
I'm not saying that anyone who is not married is 100% fair game and that the follow up question to "Yes, I'm seeing someone" should always be "But are you happy?" because really, that just comes off as rude and disrespectful. I'm just making the observation that when it comes to love and dating, history rewrites itself such that seemingly questionable behavior all the sudden becomes justified and endearing. I would be willing to bet that a great number of "how we met" stories involve the scenario "he/she was dating someone already, but I really wanted to get to know him/her" or some other reason why the situation wasn't exactly ideal at the time. During none of the umpteen times your dad tells the story of how he met your mother do you think "Man, what an asshole", but rather "Wow, he really, really wanted to get with mom." After the fact we applaud the persistence, the determination, the romanticism, and the poor ex ("Ole Whats-His-Name") just becomes a forgotten casualty of love.
So I guess I do have to agree that, in the grand scheme of life, you really are single until you're married, not in the sense that you can willy nilly do whatever you want in a relationship and use that as a defense (try saying "It wasn't wrong because we're not married" to your boo and see what happens.... you won't be in that particular relationship much longer), but rather there are no guarantees until you say "I do". Married people are definitely off limits, and at that point you merely become a homewrecker. But for everyone else, relationships come and go and the reality is that there aren't always clean breaks in between them. In the end, when it's all said and done, the only person who matters is the one who won.
All is fair in love and war, loved ones..... and the victor gets to rewrite history.
*Disclaimer: Idiosyncratic Thoughts will not be held responsible for any head busting or beat downs you may catch going after someone else's (wo)man. Please proceed with caution.
February 1st..... the first day of Black History Month. It is also the start of the "I hate Valentine's Day" countdown. I am bracing myself for a sharp uptick in the number of anti-Valentine's Day tweets, blog posts, Tumblr entries, Facebook status messages, e-mails, gmail chats, and Blackberry messenger chats letting me know how stupid, pointless, unnecessary and generally deplorable V-Day is. I've never heard so many strategies and tactical maneuvers for NOT dating someone on February 14th just to avoid the whole fiasco. No other holiday in the history of American holidays gets as much rancor and hatred directed its way.
And I say: For what?
Personally, I love Valentine's Day, or at least I have no real beef with it. So what if it is a "man-made holiday" that is used to maximize consumer spending? Guess what? Most other holidays are as well. And we go right along with the rest of those. You don't see anyone throwing a fit and talking about "Thanksgiving is dumb.... I can eat turkey with my mama all year." And nobody ever gets pissed that they have to buy Marshmallow Peeps during Easter (you can get those year-round now, too.... though my biggest beef with Easter is getting dressed up and making a big to-do over church for one day and then you're never seen again til next year, or at least until the next holiday). And you can buy fireworks and have freedom all year-round, yet we still flock to fireworks displays on the 4th of July. All holidays celebrate principles that we should be practicing all year. So why smack Cupid on his cherubic bare bottom??
Whenever people's actions defy logic, the best place to look for the source of a problem is emotion. And I think several emotions play into this hatred for Valentine's Day: jealousy, bitterness, laziness, and resentment. Pay close attention to the people making the biggest fuss about hating Valentine's Day and you will usually find the person who is most bitter about being single, or are dating/married to someone who never bothered to do anything for them Valentine's Day OR who never appreciated their efforts. And for the guy who thinks it's dumb that he has to buy his lady a gift or take her out to dinner because he does that all year long (but does he really???), you'll find someone who just doesn't want to spend the time, money and effort on a gift; OR you will find a woman who expects her man to go all out and spend half his paycheck, in which case I could understand his disdain for the day. So instead of addressing their own personal issues or loneliness and resentment, the Love Haters attack the holiday. It is as if V-Day is a personal affront to their relationship status (or lack thereof).
It's a holiday, folks, and it's not that damn deep. Don't crap in the middle of everyone else's parade just because this is the 5th year in a row you don't have a date. Don't try and bring others to your special corner of misery by making them feel like they are stupid and materialistic or childish for wanting to celebrate Valentine's Day. And if you do have a boo-thang, don't feel pressured to break the bank on gifts and flowers and dinners. If your special lady only understands the phrase "I love you" if it's written in diamonds and on the stems of 5 dozen roses, maaaaybe you need to rethink whether this is someone you're going to want to try and keep happy for the rest of your life. Is it really going to kill you to play along? Are you compromising your morals and values if you buy a card and put some thought into doing a little something special for your loved one? Do you do anyone any good by telling the world how much you hate Valentine's Day simply because you're lonely or are dating a succubus?
Like all other holidays, we too often focus on the materialistic portion and not the meaning behind it. Valentine's Day is about love, and I would say it's about love in all of it's many forms. My parents always bought us Valentine's Day candy and gifts--small gifts-- because they love us (Storge love). You can use the holiday to express your Philia love for your friends. And if it's just some banal Eros love, well, there are ways of expressing that on the holiday, too. There was one year where I'd just started talking to (dating?? I dunno) a guy and he was in town around Valentine's Day. Being the cheesy person I am, I bought him a card which basically said "I'm not trying to run off and get married and have your babies, but I kind of like you." I didn't panic about what I should get him or avoid his calls to not have to deal with the "how do I handle this?" questions or expect anything from him in return. Another time I got a FWB a Happy Bunny card/magnet that said "You're bad, and I love it/ I'm bad and you love it." There are approriate gestures for every person in your life (remember being a kid and trying to find the right Valentine for that 1 kid in class you hated? Yea, there was even one for him). Even if you just want to do a silly gag gift, that's better than just an outright condemnation of the holiday as a whole.
As a dorky person who loves (most) holidays, for me it's about going along with something I like to make me happy, not dazzling me with expensive jewelry or flowers. I just want to know that I was thought about and that some sort of efforts were made. It doesn't have to be extravagant (though I would never turn down diamonds or rubies) because money does not always correlate to thought. And guys, don't fall into the trap of your lady saying she doesn't want anything for V-Day.... she may say that and think she means it, but you're going to pay later when her friends got something from their men and she's trying to convince them (and herself) that she's glad her man was "smart" enough not to get her a damn thing and how "dumb" her girl's man is for cooking her favorite meal and serving a candle light dinner and giving her a one-of-a-kind @Chickenb00 handmade card. The fact that you don't do anything for Valentine's Day doesn't just say you forgot, but says you made a concerted effort to forget/avoid/not bother. And the fact that you're so vehement about not wanting anything probably means you don't think you're getting anything anyway (I know this lil psychological self-trickery all too well).
So, if you are a Love Hater, really stop and think about why instead of willy nilly throwing around your hatred for Valentine's Day at the rest of us. Because honestly it just makes you sound bitter, not smarter than the rest of us romantic saps. Spread the love instead, loved ones.
(And yes, sorry guys..... Valentine's Day is primarily about the ladies. Next month I will highlight YOUR day, though.... the corollary to Valentine's Day: March 14th. Stay tuned. Ladies, you too. Cuz it's only fair.)
Last night I spent a lame Saturday night at home alone on the couch watched the movie Paper Heart, which is a documentary about love written and produced by actress and comedian Charlyne Yi (Jodi from Knocked Up).
(sorry, that's one of my favorite scenes.... I just had to include it)
Basically, Charlyne doesn't believe in love, doesn't know what love feels like, and doesn't ever believe she will be, or is capable of being, in love. So she sets out to interview people from all across the country to find out what is this thing called love, where to find it, and how you know that you're in it. The movie takes an interesting turn, however, when she meets Michael Cera (Paulie Bleeker from Juno) and the movie shows the real-life evolution of the relationship between Charlyne and Michael. Throughout the entire movie, Charlyne denies that she is in love with Michael, and insists (and believes) that they're just friends. There's one part (and this is in the trailer, so no spoiler) where she's interviewing a little girl who claimed to be in love with Chris Brown and the girl tells Charlyne that she's in obviously love with Michael, which Charlyne vehemently denies and replies "I'm not in love, YOU'RE in love!"....... and then the girl says "At least I admitted it!!" (Out of the mouths of babes.....)
I would have to say that this is the best movie about love that I have ever seen. Period. (no @DatNUPE) Forget The Notebook, forget Love Jones, forget Titanic (and Wall-E?? I saw this on a "Most Romantic Movies" list). These movies are the reason why people like Charlyne (and most of my friends) don't believe in love or that they are in love. These (fake) stories are presented to us as the truth of what love is, what it feels like, what it looks like, and how it happens. It's all passion and fireworks and butterflies and monologues. Paper Heart, through it's interviews with various couples and in seeing the development of Charlyne and Michael's relationship itself, reveals that's not the way it usually goes down.
I really identified with Charlyne and Michael in this movie and saw a lot of parallels to their relationship and my own. I'm not going to spoil it for you, but basically when they first met it definitely wasn't love at first sight, definitely didn't involve the traditional ideas of romance. But while their and many other's stories of "how we met" was lackluster by Hollywood standards, in hindsight there is something endearing in even the most bizarre, obscure, and inappropriate (a-hem) meetings and first dates. And relationships don't always follow the pattern of Boy meets Girl + Boy goes on dates with Girl + Boy and Girl realize the other is "the one" + Boy proposes to Girl + Boy marries Girl = love. There are many crazy twists and turns, start and stops, detours, loss of direction and surprise destinations. But with our Hollywood images of love we often don't recognize the other ways in which love arises, and thus are lead to believe we are not in love. Love is not only blind, but also deaf, dumb and directionally challenged.
This is my "how we met" story (sorry if you've heard it or read it before on AID): I was heading out to a Memorial Day barbecue and was pissed cuz the guy who I had been kinda dating (mostly talking to actually, cuz gas was $4.35 at the time) who was supposed to come with me canceled on me in favor of going to another (female) friend's event. I had to stop to put the tags on my car since it had almost gotten towed by my bitchassed apartment complex for being 2 weeks expired. As I was squatted down in my long hippie skirt and tank top, he walked by with his roommate and son. They stopped and introduced themselves, I introduced myself, and we went on our separate ways. I honestly thought nothing of it. A few days later I was at the pool with Mini-Me and I saw him again walking up to the leasing office, and he stopped to talk (asking me why I was at the pool at noon on a Tuesday) and handed me his card (which, BTW, is the classiest way to hand out your number) and told me that they sometimes play cards and drink with some other people that lived in his building. I used the card as a bookmark. Maybe that day or the next I came across the card while reading and for some reason sent him a text telling him that I don't play cards, but I do drink. This was completely, totally and utterly out of my character. Guys introduce themselves to me all the time and I NEVER reach out to them. I was also trying to get out of one dysfunctional and unhealthy "relationship" and get into another going-nowhere relationship, plus my divorce had just been finalized, so the last thing I was looking for was a new boo-thang. After that I invited him over to chill that Saturday. Something about him just put me at ease and it was so easy to talk to him, and I don't typically do well with new people. Longer story a little bit shorter, we drank, went to my Saturday spot, I introduced him to Djarum Blacks, went back to his place, threw up all over his toilet, and we had sex (thus our inside joke about Vanilla Mint Listerine). Romantic, huh? And we've been kickin' ever since for the past year and a half.
Was this love at first sight?? Happily ever after?? I could leave the story there and lead you to believe that. Assuming that I'd put myself into the automatic jump-off category, I kind of X'd him off the potential boyfriend list. He was also younger than me, really into the fraternity thing (which I'm not) and gave me a copy of a Lil Wayne CD, which caused me to (mistakenly) put him into the category of "typical" (but once he gave me a Little Brother CD, and I saw the can of yeast flakes on top of his fridge, I started to think maybe there was a little more to him). We hung out for months with no label, telling people that it was nothing, that we were just friends. I remember being out once a few months after we met and one of his friends asked about me, and he told him that I wasn't his girl and he could go ahead and holla (which hurt my feelings a bit, honestly). My friends kept asking me what the deal was with us, and I kept telling them I didn't know, probably because it wasn't smacking me in the forehead with the cliche stars and butterflies. I knew I liked him, I knew I liked spending time with him, I knew I liked having sex with him, but there was none of the typical Hollywood romance.
The same thing happened with Charlyne in Paper Heart. Their "romance" consisted of hanging out together, playing music, eating at crappy diners and chatting on IM. Likewise, my beau and I spent a lot of time chillin' on the couch watching free cable, eating home cooked meals and drinking cheap booze (Aldi Winking Owl Chardonnay and J. Roget champagne were staples). It took us a year to go on our first "real" date. But despite all that, I had fun.... he made me laugh, we had adventures (like our 3 hour excursion from the south to the west side looking for a movie and something to eat, only to end up right back at home doing the same thing I'd originally suggested: Chinese and DVD), and it didn't matter that it didn't look like the Hollywood version of romance.
Hindsight is 20/20 though, and I'm still a product of my social environment, so of course like an idiot I missed it for a loooong time. And I think this is not unusual. I talk with my friends about guys they are non-dating, and it's obvious that they like-like each other, but there is this resistance to the thought that maybe this is love, or at least the beginnings of it. Or, like Charlyne, they don't think they have ever been in love and aren't sure what love feels like. All they know is what the movies and songs tell them is supposed to be love. But how can you know you've never seen something if you don't know what it looks like?
I hate to tell you this, loved ones.... there is no definitive sign or feeling to look for to determine if you love someone aside from the basic requirements that you enjoy spending time with the person, you care about the well being of this person, and if the person were gone you'd be really bummed. But, you say, that's how I feel about all of my good friends! True. And that's why love is so hard to spot, because it does, and should, look a lot like friendship. There's definitely something more to it, though...... like I have good friends that I love to death, but I can go weeks or months without seeing them. I can't say the same thing about my beau..... through all our ups, downs, drama and break-ups, from day one I don't think I've never gone a week without seeing him. Because it hurts my soul not to see him. And I'm not even the type of chick that needs (or wants) someone up under her all the time. It's like the floater that you pay an extra $2 for in your drink..... there's that extra something that takes it to the next level.
Anyway..... see Paper Heart. Seeing and hearing the stories and viewpoints of the people in the movie gives a great perspective on love--real life love--much better than any blogger, song or romantic movie can. Then look around and see if maybe you've been missing something and that all this time love has been right in front of you.
"It's a dangerous necessity..... a world famous mystery...... love." ~ Mos Def
I am not a mushy girlie-girl. I'm very much womanly, but not girlie. Traditional romantical [sic] stuff is ok and all, and I like it every once and awhile, but I like real, customized romance that fits my idiosyncrasies. After all, it's about the people in the romance, not the abstract idea of romance.
So, this is more of my idea of a good love song.....enjoy:
You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swings from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me So why can't, you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
I will find my nitch in your car
With my mp3 DVD rumble-pack guitar
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Du du du du du du dudu Du du du du du du dudu Du du du du du du dudu du
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
We both have shiny happy fits of rage
You want more fans, I want more stage
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Don Quixote was a steel driving man
My name is Adam I'm your biggest fan
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Squinched up your face and did a dance
You shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Du du du du du du dudu Du du du du du du dudu Du du du du du du dudu du
But you
~Anything Else But You, Kimya Dawson of the Moldy Peaches
When I'm feeling particularly distressed, I don't write. I fear that too much negativity will come spewing out into the ether, exponentially magnified by everyone who reads my words. Plus sometimes you end up saying things you wish you could take back, but they are forever memorialized in your writing. And besides, we off that.
During times like these I turn to music to express my feelings, or to pick myself up, or to convey a message. This is my FAVORITE quote that expresses why music is so important to me: "We don't have a language, or even a linguistic eloquence, that can begin to be fully truthful to the experiences that we have the short time we are here in time and space. So therefore you need some sounds.....even some noise. Organized noise. We need silence between the notes and the sounds that get at the deeper truths of who we are....." (Ludwig von Beethoven, via Dr. Cornel West, via DJ Limelight's "Meaning of Michael".... get familiar) Music expresses what we sometimes cannot. And it goes beyond what is said in the lyrics; the music itself taps into a part of our soul that words cannot reach.
With all that said, I wanted to share this with you, loved ones. Mainstream doesn't know about this song or this group, and if you're one of the few that do and you're not already a dear friend of mine, you should be. This is my FAVORITE song. Period. (Though sometimes Common "Break My Heart" makes for a photo finish.) I will scream and run over you onto the dance floor when it plays. I really believe in this song, and I really want to make it a reality in my life. And that's all I'll say about that. That's all I NEED to say about that. Enjoy......
