Postal

 

She really wants to stab you in your ear.

I work a job. It is not a career.  I deal with 1) lawyers and 2) the general public, two groups who say and do the most asinine things.  Everyday I think I'm about to go crazy from the things I hear all day, every day, without fail, so much that I can pretty much anticipate what a person is going to say when they walk through the door, with about 70% accuracy. 

'Here are the top 5 (or so) things I'm sick of hearing in my office every single fucking day, and the response I REALLY want to give instead of smiling and nodding:

1) "Did you change the office around?"  You've been coming here for 30 years, you old coot... yes, obviously we changed things around a bit.  And it's been several months.  If you had some actual clients, maybe you'd have discovered this earlier instead of being one of the people that reminds me of a very obvious fact every single fucking day and forces me to respond "Yes, we remodeled the office back in October." 

1a) "Am I in the right place?  It looks different."  Again, muthafucker, you've been coming here for 30 years.  Things change.  Adapt. I would start saying no just to fuck with you, but I like my paltry pay check.

2) "Those are some pretty flowers!"  They're FAKE, you numb nutz.  Do you honestly think the government springs for fresh tulips-- purple ones no less-- just to decorate our shitty office?  For $5.99 at Wal-Mart, you can have your very own and stop reminding me how awful and garish the ones sitting in front of me actually are, even if your old ass it too blind to see the fraying edges, plastic seams, and the fact that the vase has absolutely no water.

3)  "I've been doing it this way for 30 years!"  Well, idiot, that just means you've been doing it WRONG for 30 years, and perhaps it's just the case that the government lucked up in this shitty economy and hired someone with the intellect and the balls to actually call you out on it.  It's my way or the highway right now, buddy.

3a) "Well my attorney told me to do it like this."  Your dumb ass attorney told you WRONG, and he, like you, is a moron.  I hope he's got his malpractice insurance up to date.  Attorneys are not gods.... just because they say it doesn't mean it is true.

4)  "This is the right form....I got from your website."  No, you didn't.  Please quit lying.  Or go back and check the URL of the website you did get it from, because it wasn't any of OUR sites that you got that form that is 3 years outdated.  But don't sit here and argue with me about the fact that you, your attorney, or your bank are too incompetent to get the right forms and make it seem like it's our fault for your shortcomings.

5) "I need to pay my taxes."  Stop.  Look down at the paper you are thrusting at me.  What room does it say to go to?  Now look at my door.  Is that number on my door?  No?  Then get the fuck out of my office and quit making me get up and down unnecessarily causing additional stress on my bad knee because your ass can't read.

As a bonus, I need for people to grab a dictionary and use a modicum of thought to understand the following concepts:

Decedent (is not a descent)

Transferee (that's you, idiot... yea, the one getting the money)

Deduction (makes your taxable amount smaller)

Exemption (the amount you get tax free before the state sticks it to you on the rest)

Cause number (is not the cause of death)

Date of death VALUE (is not the date of death)

You asshat......

R.I.P Cloves

*Disclaimer: Yes, I know that smoking is bad. And growing up I always said I would NEVER smoke after watching my dad smoke for the past however many decades.  Thus I am not encouraging ANYBODY to start smoking cloves or any other type of tobacco product.  I'ma quit eventually..... I swear I will.

It's been 19 days since the law banning clove cigarettes went into effect.  For those of you not aware, Congress passed a law that bans the sale of flavored cigarettes...... except for menthol (I'll get to that later).  The law authorizes the FDA to ban all flavored tobacco products, but as of right now it just applies to cigarettes (no worries, your local hookah bar is safe).  The principle behind the law is that it is intended to discourage kids from smoking with the whole "gateway" theory that says that flavored tobacco appeals more to kids, and thus entices them to smoke. 

What a buttload of crap.

Clove smokers make up 1% of the smoking population.... ONE PERCENT.  You mean to tell me that all the teens that smoke are in that 1%?  I didn't know about cloves until I was about 28, but I sure saw PLENTY of teens smoking regular old cigarettes.  This law was a half-hearted swing at the tobacco industry that missed by a mile, and only served to piss us neo-hippie folks off. 

And did you know this? The bill was backed by Phillip-Morris.  That kind of explains why the ban excludes menthol cigarettes (even though they are flavored), because that's what Phillip-Morris sells.  Phillip Morris doesn't sell cloves.... those are primarily made and imported by Kretek International, an Indonesian company.  So basically the U.S. Government just gave Phillip Morris a $140 million per year gift by squashing a portion of their competition.  If Congress were REALLY concerned about the health of the American youth, they would have included menthols in the ban as well, because I seem to recall an awful lot of kids in high school smoking menthols.....

So for the clove smokers out there, we were left with a few options:

1. Stock up on Djarums and keep them in an Army bunker (but at $70 a carton, I don't know too many of my folks who did that...... maybe DJ Limelight, but I'm sure he can write that off as a business expense)
2. Switch to regular cigarettes (gwoss)
3. Stop smoking altogether (the most idealistic of the choices, but not very realistic)
4. Switch to the new and unimproved Djarum Black filtered cigars.
   

Option number 4 was the one I kept hearing from my clove smoking brethren, saying that Djarum Blacks weren't really going away, just being repackaged and there wouldn't be any change.

What a second buttload of crap.

My assessment of the new and unimproved Djarum Blacks is that they suck lemur nuts.  I bought one pack and that was enough for me.  They come in a smaller package and are cheaper that the old cloves, and they are slightly bigger in diameter.  The change that makes them legal to sell is that they are wrapped in tobacco instead of paper, and thus considered a cigar.  Well, they taste like a cigar and NOT like a Djarum Black.  Smoking one made me feel like someone kicked me in the chest, and then forced me to lick their ashtray clean.  I've yet to find anyone who actually likes them.  I went to my favorite little smoke shop in the white hood that has the drive thru window, and they said they weren't even going to carry them because nobody likes them.  Damn. 

So basically all Congress did was 1) piss off the people who probably all voted for Obama in the first place  2) left us with a MORE harmful alternative that contains more tobacco than their predecessors and 3) did Big Tobacco a huge favor.  Thanks for looking out for my best interests, Government.

Right now I'm left with a few Djarum Cherrys/Reds that I managed to find from a retailer that was trying to get rid of their stock.   They're not Djarum Blacks, but they're not those shitty Djarum Black cigars either.  Presently I'm looking into a 5th option and researching the legality of purchasing them online directly from the importer. Goodness knows I have no desire to break any federal laws over some dumb ish that I really shouldn't be doing anyway. But supposedly the law only bans the sale of cloves by US distributors, not their purchase or possession.  I don't trust everything I read on the internet, though, so we shall see.