Well today is your lucky day, loved ones! I have kicked the red meat and smoking habit, and I'm going to share my secrets with you. Get ready to be transformed!!
How to Give Up Smoking and Red Meat in 23 Easy Steps:
1. Go to law school.
2. Develop an inferiority complex from the unrelenting mindfuckery imposed upon you by your professors for 3 years.
3. Graduate cum laude regardless.
4. Get a job at a Big Firm making Big Money for Little Exposure and Experience.
5. Further develop your inferiority complex watching your peers get more work than you and get treated like you didn't just graduate cum laude from law school.
6. Go to lots of firm dinners where they feed you red meat to make you feel better about the fact that you are a mere cog in their machine which they will promptly replace with one just like you when you wear out.
7. Go out during the week after you get off work at 11:30 pm so you can have some chill time before you have to deal with your spouse who rides your ass for working all the time, yet enjoys spending up the money you earn.
8. Start smoking cloves while you drink at the after-work-but-WAY-past-happy-hour gatherings with all the other lawyers and law students just as worn out and browbeaten as you.
9. Get separated from your spouse, causing you to not just smoke cloves when you are out, but all the time due to the emotional stress.
10. Leave your Big Money Big Firm job because you are tired of dying on the inside a little bit every day.
11. Scrimp (not to be confused with shrimp) by doing contract work and temp jobs for a year, slowly decreasing the amount of red meat you can afford to eat (but still keep a steady supply of cloves).
12. Vote for Obama.
13. Get a job at a Small Firm making BIGGER money.
14. Increase your consumption of red meat because once again you can afford to go out and eat steaks.
15. Increase your consumption of cloves due to the stress of the insane work environment where there are absolutely no checks and balances or legal protections when there are fewer than 15 employees.
16. Leave Small Firm and increase clove consumption even more because you're sitting at home applying for jobs all day (and sleeping).
17. Get a job making 1/4 of what you used to make and decrease clove consumption because you are in an office all day and don't have the liberty to come and go outside for smoke breaks because you are treated like a peon, but increase clove consumption outside of work while you wonder whose life this is.
18. Stop going out to eat because you can't afford it, but still have the occasional ground beef in a fast food burger off the dollar menu.
19. Try and hate the new and unimproved Djarum Black clove cigars because regular clove cigarettes have been banned by President Obama.
20. Buy whatever leftover stock of ANY variety of cloves you can find, including Cherry and Reds, which are okay but aren't the Blacks. Smoke less to make them last longer.
21. Stop eating burgers altogether because you can't afford to eat out AT ALL. Instead eat soup (cuz that's only $1.62 a can).
22. Eat the occasional random charity cheeseburger or steak from a friend or loved one and notice how angrily your stomach reacts to the re-introduction of beef, even though it tasted good going down.
23. Stop buying cloves because you're too broke to buy those, too.... that's even assuming you can find the old ones, which are now technically illegal for vendors to sell so they won't get any more stock.
And there you have it. Clove cigarette and read meat free. Simple, right?
I quit smoking about 2 or so months ago. The cost finally did it for me. I started when I was 23 - late as hell. When I started they were $3.25. Of course over the years the price has creeped up. When I got my last pack I went to Wa.wa and the cashier said '$7.86'. Um, no ma'am. You can put those back cuz that is some downright bullshyt. (and I'm in southern NJ...what about NY'ers? CA'ians? lawd, lawd)
ReplyDeleteA pack would last me about 3 days. Why should I pay some corp almost a grand per year to NEGATIVELY IMPACT MY HEALTH? Nerp. I have some important ppl/things for whom and which to live and I can think of much better things I can do with that money.
Admittedly, I haven't yet reached that point with red meat. I do, however, only consume it a few times per year.
I know the flavor of cloves (ham, etc.). Is that what cloves cigs taste like? Curious.
ReplyDeleteMia: Yes, these are the same cloves that go on ham, ground up and mixed in with the tobacco. They have more of a sweet smell/flavor, and the Djarum Blacks, which is what I used to smoke, were wrapped in black paper with a sweet coating. That's why I really didn't like the other types of cloves, and I REALLY don't like regular cigarettes. Cloves were expensive... between $6 and $10 a pack, but a pack lasted me at least a week, and that's when I was smoking them a lot (for me). The clove cigars are similar, but they taste nasty and make me feel like someone kicked me in the chest. So I guess I'm just letting it all go.
ReplyDeleteOnly consuming red meat a few times a year is what has me to the point where it makes my stomach hurt. I LOVE steak, though.