Nature's Happy Pill

Today I'm embarking on a new course of treatment for my various sleep and mood issues, which I've preliminarily concluded are very closely linked. My doctor kept trying to push a sleep study down my throat and I wanted to scream at him "I'm depressed, numb nuts, not sleepy!!" But as I sat at my desk sleepy as hell after what I thought was a full 8 hours of sleep, wishing that the windows in my building did in fact open, I started to explore the idea that maybe this guy did know something (so THAT'S what those degrees mean!).

Doing my own interweb research, I found out that sleep disorders and depression are closely linked, tho it is uncertain as to which one causes or complicates the other. Well yes, I guess I do feel a helluva lot better when I actually have a good night sleep, which is something entirely unrelated to how long I actually am in the bed trying to sleep. I keep thinking of a book I had as a child, "Sweet Dreams for Sally" which was a Care Bear book about a little girl who couldn't sleep because she was scared of the dark and how she was hella grouchy and unfocused during school.

Pretend Sally is me.

That's how I feel some days, wishing I had my own Bedtime Bear to help my tired cantankerous ass out. Instead I've been relying on adderall to keep me awake, which my friends and I have dubbed "praying to Little Blue Jesus" (if you haven't seen Talledega Nights and heard the various embodiments of Jesus.... well never mind then).

I've tried every depression medicine in the world (ok, not really, but it seems like it) and nothing really works that well. And thanks to my bitchass insurance company, I can't get the latest medicine my doctor prescribed to me anyway because they want me to try all the shit I've tried before that didn't work necessitating that my doctor prescribe me this stuff in the first place. So eff it.......today I'm going in a different direction. I got some 5-HTP from the natural foods store, which makes your body produce melatonin (which helps you sleep) and seratonin (a key brain chemical affecting mood) and I'm going to give it a whirl*. I also got some chlorella for energy and overall health improvement (I guess it works as a detoxifier), which seems to work for my beau. I'm sick of dumping more and more chemicals in my body, which might (temporarily) fix one problem while causing me a host of other problems which need more chemicals to fix. I know natural remedies work, but there are just so MANY. But I have to start somewhere, and this 5-HTP stuff kept coming up over and over as a natural depression remedy. I got a 30 day supply, so we'll see how things are in 30 days. I know I'm just tired of looking to Little Blue Jesus to get me through and would rather get some assistance from Mother Nature instead.

*Before you run out and get some 5-HTP just because I did, PLEASE do your own research AND consult with your physician first (even though I didn't, because doctors tend to frown on natural remedies because most just want to throw more drugs at you).  5-HTP can interact badly with certain medications, including anti-depressants that affect seratonin levels.  The medicine I take doesn't affect seratonin, so I won't be dying from Seratonin Syndrome--which basically means you OD on seratonin--any time soon.  Too much of a good thing is not a good thing.

"The magnanimous possibilities...."

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~ Anais Nin

"God, make me so uncomfortable that I will do the very thing I fear." ~Ruby Dee

The main impetus behind and theme of this blog is change. I've been going through a lot of change in the past 3 years, and a TON of change in the past year alone, in all aspects of my life.... career, relationships, and within myself.

I like variety, but I don't like change.... to me it's scary. I prefer predictable over chaotic. But the only thing that is constant in life is change. As we grow and develop as human beings, like babies in the womb, a butterfly in a chrysalis, or a bird in an egg, there comes a point where NOT changing becomes more painful than changing and the refusal or inability to change results in demise.

But like babies, butterflies, birds and blossoms, what emerges when we change is often something new and wonderful, and full of more possibilities than what we first started with. This is where I'm at right now. Although I'm somewhat scared about the transition process itself, I'm anticipating what lies on the other side of that transition.

I have a big change that I'm about to make soon, but I'll reveal that later, loved ones. For now, I leave you with one of my favorite poems by one of my favorite artists, Jill Scott, that inspires me and gives me hope for the future whenever I read it. Enjoy.

The What-ifs

It-is

The

What-

ifs

The magnanimous possibilities of this life

This now

This hour

This minute

The next is unknown

And that is ok!

Alright

All good

Uh-huh

Can't say what will break through

Can't say what will slide out

Knock up the world today

But I am soft and strong

Willed and passionate

My dreams are of seeing and being

More than what I am

And these dreams don't take the low podium

Now that I know

What I know

And that don't fit into sizes

Or parameters

Nothing can bar my exceptionality

Won't be wearing the silver medal

No medals at all

My muscle has grow and my back has vigor

I am ready for the unspecified

Why shouldn't I be?

It is the what-ifs my darlings

That we should gild

The magnanimous possibilities of this life

This now

This hour

This minute

The next to be unknown

And that's ok!

Oh yes!

All good

Uh-huh

Hallelujah

By Jill Scott, "The Moments, The Minutes, The Hours"

Resurection, transformation, young love and the soul

As I was cleaning up today (finally..... I'm admittedly domestically challenged) I went out on my patio to shake out a rug and saw this:

As a child, I LOVED Monarch butterflies.  I used to draw pictures of them, sing songs about them, catch them and keep them in jars (for a little while), the whole nine.  I'm originally from Missouri and used to see them all the time when I lived there, probably because milkweed was abundant in the area where I lived.  Since I moved here almost 20 years ago, I've probably seen less than five, and I'm sure some of those were at the butterfly exhibit at the botanical gardens.

So imagine my utter surprise and joy to see this little guy on MY patio, of all places.  I'm sure it's due to the changing seasons and the Monarch migration south.....Monarch butterflies are the only insect that can fly 2,500 miles to a warmer climate. Their unique wing structure and yearly life cycle makes it possible for the fall generation monarchs to travel thousands of miles to the warm nesting grounds of Mexico. [end nerd moment]

Despite the logical explanation for this butterfly being on my patio, I still believe that we are given signs and omens, and I took this as such (yea, I'm kinda New Age-ish; I read horoscopes and pay attention to signs, but loosely.... I take note of coincidences and let them guide, not direct, my actions).  Off hand I didn't know exactly what it meant, so, being the nerd that I am, I did a little research. This is what I found:

The Butterfly is a universal symbol of change, resurrection, transformation, celebration, young love and the soul.

As a symbol of transformation; the butterfly represents everlasting life, stemming from it's various stages of life.

1. Birth (the caterpillar),
2. Death (the chrysalis), and finally,
3. Resurrection (the butterfly).

In some myths, the Butterfly brings sleep and dreams. In others, it is symbolic of female fertility and is thought to be the bringer of children. The butterfly also represents love and relationships.

Ah yes..... so, so very fitting right now.  I am in the midst of tremendous change, both externally and, more importantly, internally.  It's the whole reason I set fire to got rid of my old blog and Twitter account.  So many things in my life are shifting and in flux. I think the Most High is letting me know that things will be ok, that change is definitely in the works, and that change, like the amazing transformation and travels of the Monarch butterfly, is going to be miraculous...... but also long.  It's like traveling from Washington D.C. to Las Vegas..... that would be a sucky trip in a car, let alone on 4" paper thin wings with birds swooping out of the sky to eat you and a rainstorm wiping out your entire family (I watched a documentary on this not to long ago actually..... it was kind of sad).  Anyway, back to my point. A friend of mine told me I needed to purge, and that's what I've been doing.  Purging people, purging attitudes, purging feelings, just trying to get (back?) to me as I know that I TRULY am. 

As far as the love and relationships thing..... well, I'm just going to be still on that.  I'm turning that one over to the Most High and focusing on what I can control at the moment, and fixing what I can.  We'll see where it all goes from there.