She's not your Little Freak

Results may vary from those shown.... proceed with caution.

So this morning I was listening to my Thursday morning guilty pleasure, Wrong Number Flirting, and the mission on which Slutty Chelsea (the telephone decoy) was put upon was a bit different from the typical chick trying to find out if her man is a philandering man whore cheating.  Today's caller was a woman (let's call her L) who had been dating a chick (let's call her B) for about 6 weeks and was SO in love with her, but suspected that B still had her foot on the other side of the fence, i.e. she was still seeing men.  This was B's first lesbian relationship but had told the L that she'd never felt like this with anyone before, really cared for her, etc.  But thanks to a Blackberry and a bit of snooping, ole girl realized her new lady friend was still e-mailing her ex-boyfriend.  Enter Slutty Chelsea and her first lesbian challenge.

Slutty Chelsea calls B pretending that her girlfriend recommended B for hair coloring services.  Per usual, Slutty Chelsea goes on to play the "you sound hot let's meet up" card, to which B responds that she's flattered, but she has a BOYFRIEND.  Busted.  L comes back on the phone, hurt and asking for explanations, to which B replies in so many words "This was nothing serious..... I was just having fun."  And then her solution to the problem was an an offer bring a guy into the mix.  Aye dios mio.

As much as I laughed in my car at the whole scenario (as I do when anyone gets busted), a bigger part of me was pissed on behalf of L and all the other women who have had their feelings hurt by someone who was "just having fun."  Dabbling into the realm of bi-sexuality seems to be all the rage now. It's almost a rite of passage for women from 18 to 25 (or beyond).  Young women play around for a bit, then box up that phase in their lives and go on to marry Mr. Right and have her 2.5 kids, and might whisper about her exploits to her fellow soccer moms over one too many martinis.  No big deal, right?  Wrong.

The thing that pisses me off the most about the treatment of gays and lesbians by our society is that they are not seen as human beings with regular human lives and human emotions.  All our society sees is SEX, which for any heterosexual person is accepted as only a small facet of their life (unless you're a porn star).  ALL people have feelings, seek love, and avoid hurt.  B treated L like a game, something fun to do til she got it out of her system, while L was looking for a real committed relationship.

Does this sound familiar?

Let's change the scenario around.  Let's say L is a black female, and B is a white male.  B has only dated white women, but has always wondered what it would be like to shag a black woman.  So he engages L in what she thinks is a relationship, tells her how much he cares for her and how she makes him feel, and later she finds out that Becky has still been on the scene all this time while B used L as something to check off on his "Things to Do Before I Die" list.  Swap "black" and "white" for any sort of characteristic (fat, skinny, amputee, little person, visually/hearing impaired) and flip flop the genders..... in all of these scenarios, one person was objectified and treated as a novelty, while the other played with their emotions for the sake of experimentation.  People are not experiments, loved ones.

Going back to lesbians..... contrary to popular belief, lesbian women are not solely here for men's entertainment and sowing young women's wild oats.  Those girls you see tonguing each other down in the club are not the representatives for women who love being with other women.  I know lesbian couples who have been together for years, have homes, families, kids, LIVES together. They want love and happiness just like any other woman.  But they want that with another WOMAN, not your freaky ass and whatever dude you want to bring around to add to the mix.  Experimenting and dabbling is fine and all, but don't involve someone who is looking for a serious relationship and/or let her know up front what your intentions are.  There are plenty of other dabblers and Nicki Minja Little Freaks out there to accomplish your purpose.  There are also plenty of lesbian women who get off on "turning out" straight chicks and will enjoy using you just as much as you are using them.  Just let them know up front where you're coming from and let them choose whether they want to proceed.  Don't play with people's emotions and mislead them for your personal enjoyment, m'kay?  It's really a simple, universal rule for any type of relationship.

So ladies, do your thing, explore your lives, just make sure you're not committing woman-on-woman emotional crimes and doing the same thing to lesbian women that you don't want done to you.

My Chemical Romance

(Originally posted on 9/21/09 at Adventures in Divorce)

No, not talking about this Chemical Romance:


I'm talking about THIS chemical romance:


That, loved ones, is the molecular structure for Oxytocin..... the chemical that induces labor (the synthetic form is Pitocin.... I'm sure every mother has at least heard of it), the chemical that is released during breast feeding that "lets down" the milk (otherwise we'd be leaving puddles of milk everywhere all the time) and causes bonding between mother and baby, and it's the chemical that helps us create emotional bonds with people in general. Oxytocin also reduces fear, increases eye contact, and increases trust and generosity.

It's also the chemical released in much greater levels in women than men during sex.

(Of course, there are other chemicals involved in this whole process, such as vasopressin and dopamine, and this is not intended to be a comprehensive lesson in the Science of Sex. My point is.... well, you'll see my point.....)

As much as I hate to concede biological and evolutionary defeat on this subject...... women biologically are unable to completely separate sex from love (or some other comparable emotional attachment) leading to many busted windows and stalker behavior misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Intellectually we may be able to say "it's just sex", but Mother Nature has other plans for us, and you don't go toe to toe with Mother Nature.... you will ALWAYS lose, even if you don't lose right away. She's like a Vegas casino.... you may get lucky on a few rolls or a couple of pulls, and may even walk away with a jackpot. But play long enough and eventually gambler's ruin sets in and you end up looking like THIS.

So let's take a look at how this plays out. Ladies, you meet a guy/know a guy and you get into a FWB scenario because, for whatever reason, a full blown relationship is just not in the stars at that time. And you're fine with it because you get your needs met without the drama, there's no expectations, and you're just having fun. For a little while. All the while that you're getting that Mighty Mighty O, your body is steady kicking out oxytocin, which is making your body form an emotional attachment with this person and doesn't give a damn about what your brain says. According to "What is This Crazy Thing Called Love?" by Dr. Shirley Glass, "A trick of nature induces women to bond with an inappropriate partner after sex because of oxytocin which enhances orgasms and increases a woman’s emotional attachment to her sexual partner. That may be why you keep the creep with whom you sleep." Combine this with dopamine (the "feel good" hormone, which also increases oxytocin levels) and you're REALLY hit. Basically you are addicted to the warm fuzzy feeling (i.e. high), and like anything else that induces a high (e.g. drugs) you're gonna go through withdrawal when you stop.

So now you have this otherwise irrational bond with this person which is the equivalent of chemically induced insanity because in your mind you know this person is bad for you, yet you still are saying "I wish I knew how to quit you". I must admit..... I've been there. More than once. And honestly, in hindsight, it's a scary thing. I look back on two individuals in particular and think "What in the HELL was I thinking???" The best way I can describe it is like in the cartoons where the character is under some spell, and their eyes are all glassed over, and then the hero(ine) comes along and breaks the spell, and then suddenly the victim comes back like "Where am I?? What happened??" Basically, you're just like Prince Eric in this scene from The Little Mermaid:



Waking up from your stupor doesn't usually happen that fast.... it takes a clean break and some time. But once you've broken that addiction, you're good. Any time I've tried to backtrack and replicate those original feelings it was a monumental waste of time never the same because I'd already realized he was really Ursula the Sea Witch not as great as I'd originally thought he was. But originally you couldn't tell me he wasn't the greatest thing since sliced bread, even with the logical side of me saying "Don't do it.... reconsider.... do some living." I was merely a slave to chemical romance (".... he was my Voodoo Priest and I was his faithful concubine......").

So, with all that said..... ladies, don't fool yourself into thinking you can maintain a long term Friend with Benefits. Short term.... maybe. And it might be a little easier if he treats you like a complete asshole. But who the hell wants to have a string of flings sufficiently short enough not to develop this chemical bond and end up looking like a big ole slore? I used to think I was hardcore and cold blooded enough to manage it, but I'm officially waiving my white flag to Mother Nature. I don't mind being a slave to chemical romance, but only if my heart, mind and soul are imprisoned as well.

Don't be a Love Hater (hater of love)

February 1st..... the first day of Black History Month. It is also the start of the "I hate Valentine's Day" countdown. I am bracing myself for a sharp uptick in the number of anti-Valentine's Day tweets, blog posts, Tumblr entries, Facebook status messages, e-mails, gmail chats, and Blackberry messenger chats letting me know how stupid, pointless, unnecessary and generally deplorable V-Day is. I've never heard so many strategies and tactical maneuvers for NOT dating someone on February 14th just to avoid the whole fiasco. No other holiday in the history of American holidays gets as much rancor and hatred directed its way.

And I say: For what?

Personally, I love Valentine's Day, or at least I have no real beef with it. So what if it is a "man-made holiday" that is used to maximize consumer spending? Guess what? Most other holidays are as well. And we go right along with the rest of those. You don't see anyone throwing a fit and talking about "Thanksgiving is dumb.... I can eat turkey with my mama all year." And nobody ever gets pissed that they have to buy Marshmallow Peeps during Easter (you can get those year-round now, too.... though my biggest beef with Easter is getting dressed up and making a big to-do over church for one day and then you're never seen again til next year, or at least until the next holiday). And you can buy fireworks and have freedom all year-round, yet we still flock to fireworks displays on the 4th of July. All holidays celebrate principles that we should be practicing all year. So why smack Cupid on his cherubic bare bottom??

Whenever people's actions defy logic, the best place to look for the source of a problem is emotion. And I think several emotions play into this hatred for Valentine's Day: jealousy, bitterness, laziness, and resentment. Pay close attention to the people making the biggest fuss about hating Valentine's Day and you will usually find the person who is most bitter about being single, or are dating/married to someone who never bothered to do anything for them Valentine's Day OR who never appreciated their efforts. And for the guy who thinks it's dumb that he has to buy his lady a gift or take her out to dinner because he does that all year long (but does he really???), you'll find someone who just doesn't want to spend the time, money and effort on a gift; OR you will find a woman who expects her man to go all out and spend half his paycheck, in which case I could  understand his disdain for the day. So instead of addressing their own personal issues or loneliness and resentment, the Love Haters attack the holiday. It is as if V-Day is a personal affront to their relationship status (or lack thereof).

It's a holiday, folks, and it's not that damn deep. Don't crap in the middle of everyone else's parade just because this is the 5th year in a row you don't have a date. Don't try and bring others to your special corner of misery by making them feel like they are stupid and materialistic or childish for wanting to celebrate Valentine's Day. And if you do have a boo-thang, don't feel pressured to break the bank on gifts and flowers and dinners. If your special lady only understands the phrase "I love you" if it's written in diamonds and on the stems of 5 dozen roses, maaaaybe you need to rethink whether this is someone you're going to want to try and keep happy for the rest of your life. Is it really going to kill you to play along? Are you compromising your morals and values if you buy a card and put some thought into doing a little something special for your loved one? Do you do anyone any good by telling the world how much you hate Valentine's Day simply because you're lonely or are dating a succubus?

Like all other holidays, we too often focus on the materialistic portion and not the meaning behind it. Valentine's Day is about love, and I would say it's about love in all of it's many forms. My parents always bought us Valentine's Day candy and gifts--small gifts-- because they love us (Storge love). You can use the holiday to express your Philia love for your friends. And if it's just some banal Eros love, well, there are ways of expressing that on the holiday, too. There was one year where I'd just started talking to (dating?? I dunno) a guy and he was in town around Valentine's Day. Being the cheesy person I am, I bought him a card which basically said "I'm not trying to run off and get married and have your babies, but I kind of like you." I didn't panic about what I should get him or avoid his calls to not have to deal with the "how do I handle this?" questions or expect anything from him in return. Another time I got a FWB a Happy Bunny card/magnet that said "You're bad, and I love it/ I'm bad and you love it."  There are approriate gestures for every person in your life (remember being a kid and trying to find the right Valentine for that 1 kid in class you hated? Yea, there was even one for him).  Even if you just want to do a silly gag gift, that's better than just an outright condemnation of the holiday as a whole.

As a dorky person who loves (most) holidays, for me it's about going along with something I like to make me happy, not dazzling me with expensive jewelry or flowers. I just want to know that I was thought about and that some sort of efforts were made. It doesn't have to be extravagant (though I would never turn down diamonds or rubies) because money does not always correlate to thought. And guys, don't fall into the trap of your lady saying she doesn't want anything for V-Day.... she may say that and think she means it, but you're going to pay later when her friends got something from their men and she's trying to convince them (and herself) that she's glad her man was "smart" enough not to get her a damn thing and how "dumb" her girl's man is for cooking her favorite meal and serving a candle light dinner and giving her a one-of-a-kind @Chickenb00 handmade card. The fact that you don't do anything for Valentine's Day doesn't just say you forgot, but says you made a concerted effort to forget/avoid/not bother. And the fact that you're so vehement about not wanting anything probably means you don't think you're getting anything anyway (I know this lil psychological self-trickery all too well).

So, if you are a Love Hater, really stop and think about why instead of willy nilly throwing around your hatred for Valentine's Day at the rest of us. Because honestly it just makes you sound bitter, not smarter than the rest of us romantic saps. Spread the love instead, loved ones.

(And yes, sorry guys..... Valentine's Day is primarily about the ladies. Next month I will highlight YOUR day, though.... the corollary to Valentine's Day: March 14th. Stay tuned. Ladies, you too. Cuz it's only fair.)