Today I'm embarking on a new course of treatment for my various sleep and mood issues, which I've preliminarily concluded are very closely linked. My doctor kept trying to push a sleep study down my throat and I wanted to scream at him "I'm depressed, numb nuts, not sleepy!!" But as I sat at my desk sleepy as hell after what I thought was a full 8 hours of sleep, wishing that the windows in my building did in fact open, I started to explore the idea that maybe this guy did know something (so THAT'S what those degrees mean!).
Doing my own interweb research, I found out that sleep disorders and depression are closely linked, tho it is uncertain as to which one causes or complicates the other. Well yes, I guess I do feel a helluva lot better when I actually have a good night sleep, which is something entirely unrelated to how long I actually am in the bed trying to sleep. I keep thinking of a book I had as a child, "Sweet Dreams for Sally" which was a Care Bear book about a little girl who couldn't sleep because she was scared of the dark and how she was hella grouchy and unfocused during school.
Pretend Sally is me.
That's how I feel some days, wishing I had my own Bedtime Bear to help my tired cantankerous ass out. Instead I've been relying on adderall to keep me awake, which my friends and I have dubbed "praying to Little Blue Jesus" (if you haven't seen Talledega Nights and heard the various embodiments of Jesus.... well never mind then).
I've tried every depression medicine in the world (ok, not really, but it seems like it) and nothing really works that well. And thanks to my bitchass insurance company, I can't get the latest medicine my doctor prescribed to me anyway because they want me to try all the shit I've tried before that didn't work necessitating that my doctor prescribe me this stuff in the first place. So eff it.......today I'm going in a different direction. I got some 5-HTP from the natural foods store, which makes your body produce melatonin (which helps you sleep) and seratonin (a key brain chemical affecting mood) and I'm going to give it a whirl*. I also got some chlorella for energy and overall health improvement (I guess it works as a detoxifier), which seems to work for my beau. I'm sick of dumping more and more chemicals in my body, which might (temporarily) fix one problem while causing me a host of other problems which need more chemicals to fix. I know natural remedies work, but there are just so MANY. But I have to start somewhere, and this 5-HTP stuff kept coming up over and over as a natural depression remedy. I got a 30 day supply, so we'll see how things are in 30 days. I know I'm just tired of looking to Little Blue Jesus to get me through and would rather get some assistance from Mother Nature instead.
*Before you run out and get some 5-HTP just because I did, PLEASE do your own research AND consult with your physician first (even though I didn't, because doctors tend to frown on natural remedies because most just want to throw more drugs at you). 5-HTP can interact badly with certain medications, including anti-depressants that affect seratonin levels. The medicine I take doesn't affect seratonin, so I won't be dying from Seratonin Syndrome--which basically means you OD on seratonin--any time soon. Too much of a good thing is not a good thing.
What exactly is chaos? Most of us think of chaos in terms of complete disorder, disaster, bedlam, insanity, panic, craziness. What’s the visual that comes to mind when you think of chaos? Is it something like this?
Probably. However, there is a different way to look at chaos, both from a literal and figurative perspective. This, loved ones, is Chaos Theory:
In a scientific context, the word CHAOS has a slightly different meaning than it does in its general usage as a state of confusion, lacking any order. Chaos, with reference to CHAOS THEORY, refers to an apparent lack of order in a system that nevertheless obeys particular laws or rules. The two main components of chaos theory are the ideas that systems - no matter how complex they may be - rely upon an underlying order, and that very simple or small systems and events can cause very complex behaviors or events. Examples of such systems include the atmosphere, the solar system, plate tectonics, turbulent fluids, economics, and population growth.
The name "chaos theory" comes from the fact that the systems that the theory describes are apparently disordered, but chaos theory is really about finding the underlying order in apparently random data.
So, instead of the mess shown above, this is actually what chaos looks like:
Kind of pretty, huh? The image is a Lorenz attractor, which is one visual depiction of a chaotic system:
The Lorenz attractor is a chaotic map, noted for its butterfly shape. The map shows how the state of a dynamical system (the three variables of a three-dimensional system) evolves over time in a complex, non-repeating pattern, often described as beautiful....Systems that exhibit mathematical chaos are deterministic and thus orderly in some sense; this technical use of the word chaos is at odds with common parlance, which suggests complete disorder.
(Thanks Wikipedia!)
Now that you have your daily dose of nerd, let me get to the point of all this geekdom. We can think about the craziness of life-- i.e. Chaos-- in two different ways. One way to look at it is like the first image-- a completely disorganized disaster that appears to be impossible to get through. Or we can look at chaos in the way science does-- it may seem random and disorderly, but over time the bigger picture is revealed to us. When something seemingly bad happens-- or even good-- it is not enough to assess the situation as it exists today. The one occurrence isn't the end of the story. Sometimes, if we reserve judgment and let the chaos unfold, it turns out to be more beautiful than we ever imagined when we first laid eyes on the situation.
So what about the intersection between chaos theory and fate?
Where "fate" often refers to an unchangeable path or destiny, chaos can refer to a similar concept, only the outcome is not predetermined as it is with fate or destiny. Often events are attributed to "fate" when they may in fact be chaos. For example, one person may see many seemingly random events and determine that fate caused all of the events to take place so that a specific outcome could be reached. The chaotic view would be that many random events occurred, and the result was derived out of mere happenstance or coincidence. The difference here is that one person believes that everything happens for a reason, and that their course is predetermined, the other believes that random events have a very profound effect on one's life, but that the result of said events was not necessarily 'meant to be'.
Whether you believe is its fate, destiny or chaos, it's all the same in the end (I kind of think the Trafalmadorians had/have/will have the right viewpoint all along) . You have seemingly random events that occur in your life that serve to set you up for the next occurrence in life (this is also related to the Butterfly Effect). While we should try to live in the moment, we must also be mindful that this moment leads to the next moment, and so on and so forth, and that the purpose and significance of this moment may not manifest for hours, days, weeks, months, or even years. I believe the answer lies somewhere in between fate and chaos.... all of these occurrences happen to nudge us in certain directions, or set us up for the next occurrence, but ultimately we choose which path to follow. The Most High lays out the terrain for you, but ultimately you choose the path. If a tree falls in your way, maybe that's not the right path. I'm not saying that every single occurrence is a sign or guidepost, but they are definitely there in the seeming randomness and it's our job to pay attention. There's no such thing as a coincidence and happenstance, loved ones. Divine order often looks exactly like chaos.
So as you go along in life and find yourself in the midst of seeming chaos, remember to stop and think that perhaps you just have to let things unfold to see the beauty of life's design.
I finally did it. The thing I've been privately threatening to do for the past month and a half, but never really had the courage to publicly admit. I got tired of the curiosity fueled by all the stories of how it was so great and wonderful and life-altering. So after much internal struggle and debate, I mustered up the courage and did it.
Since I have now become incredibly lame spend more time at home out of trouble watching movies, my interest in lounge comfort has increased. And since I despise Old Man Winter and all the misery he brings, it is very important for me to be warm and comfortable as I lounge. Literally my favorite place in my apartment is my bed under my aging down comforter, all soft and snuggly and warm next to a nice piece of African-American man candy. But since I no longer have a TV in my room, I want to feel just as comfortable out on the couch as I watch my Netflix movies as I am in my bed.
When I first heard about the Snuggie (and the more expensive Slanket) I thought it was the dumbest thing in the world. A blanket with sleeves?? Just wear a freaking sweatshirt, I said to myself. But even more disdainful were the obnoxious infomercials, particularly the one where the dog sits in his Snuggie and a pair of glasses while dude raises the roof in his Snuggie:
*retch*
Then I started hearing about people doing bar crawls, and plane rides, and other such public activities in their Snuggies, which was a complete turn-off (the Snuggie Sutra did raise an eyebrow, though). The Snuggie craze was getting out of hand, and if there's one thing that makes me break out in hives and run for the hills, it's mainstream hype.
But..... I'm human. I started hearing the testimonials of friends on Twitter, people whose opinions I (somewhat) trust, and whom I don't considering to be bandwagon hopping douche bags easily swayed by mainstream hype. Thinking, independent minded, rational people were talking about how warm and cozy they were at home with their Snuggie, remote and hot chocolate on a cold Friday night. I sat back quietly, observing the Tweets of people whom I'd never imagine would be caught dead in a Snuggie talking about how they wanted one or how much they loved theirs. And I admit, I was a wee bit jealous.
At first I tried to drop the hint that I might want one for Christmas, thinking that someone would trip over it or see it as an easy grab requiring little thought and would snatch it up. I figured that if I didn't actually buy it myself I wouldn't be giving into the commercial machine. But no dice. Everyone was a lot more thoughtful than that this year. So the other day I was going through my mail (a once a month endeavor) and came across a 20% off Bed, Bath & Beyond coupon, and my brain began to plot against itself. I was having trouble justifying paying $15 for a Snuggie, but if it were only $12, well, then that's a whole different story. I thought I was going to go hang out and watch Monday Night Football and eat free wings at my local watering hole (emphasis on the word hole) tonight, but due to unforeseen circumstances my presence really wasn't a good idea. Instead I was stuck at home alone catching up on old episodes of Nip/Tuck (again) and I thought to myself, "Self, you would have probably spent at least $12 on beers tonight, so why don't you use that money to make yourself more warm and comfortable at home instead?" Guess I must have bought my own argument because off I went with my 20% coupon to Bed, Bath & Beyond.
I walked through the sliding glass doors, firstly embarrassed to be in a store such as Bed, Bath & Beyond (I'm more of a Pier 1, IKEA and Target housewares kind of girl) and secondly even more embarrassed that I was giving into the marketing machine and actually going to get a Snuggie. Right at the door I almost tripped over a display of Snuggies, both for humans AND dogs. However, they were all blue, and there was an old lady sitting next to the display staring at me, so I figured I'd venture further into the store and hopefully find more privacy color selection. I loitered by the reed diffusers for just a little bit too long looking for a scent to replace the obnoxious lavender that came with the diffuser my mother bought me (reminds me of lavender public bathroom air freshener; I like more earthy scents), admittedly stalling. After finding nothing that suited my olfactory senses or my wallet, I set off in search for what I knew had to be the Main Snuggie Display. As I approached I was disappointed to find that all the adult Snuggies were blue (I really wanted a red one), but as I walked around the display I saw them: two lone boxes of Wild Side leopard print Snuggies.
Let me stop and clarify: I hate animal print, especially leopard. It, along with gold lame, reminds me of my ex-mother-in-law's horrific and tacky sense of style (notice that it's a heteronym for LAME). Yet I stood there for several minutes debating between the plain blue Snuggie and the Wild Side Snuggie. Ultimately I decided that since I was getting something so obnoxious and ridiculous as a Snuggie, I might as well go all out and be as obnoxious as possible and get the leopard print, also ensuring that I would not have a stroke of insanity and actually think it was ok to take the damn thing out of the house. It would be my own dirty little secret. *rubs hands like Mr. Burns*
I get my bounty home, take a shower (so I can fully relax), heat up my leftover Khoresh Fesenjan, cue up season 3, episode 8 of Nip/Tuck, poured myself a glass of sparking grape juice, and then opened the package. It was just as obnoxious as I dreamed it would be. I unfolded it, slipped it on my arms, and......
I was pissed.
This is it?? It felt like someone's failed attempt to make a deluxe hospital gown. Sure the front was covered, but what about my ass?? My ass was cold! I tried wrapping it around my backside, but the oversized shoulders kept slipping off, and to wrap it all the way around made it feel like a cocoon. I would have had to put another blanket under the Snuggie so my tush would not freeze on my leather couch. And I'm not a tall woman, maybe slightly above average height, but I had the damnedest time keeping my feet covered as I sat in my chair. Then there was the "super-soft plush" claim..... it felt like a cheap blanket that I could pick up at Big Lots for $12.99. Maybe it was just the Wild Side Snuggie that wasn't all it claimed to be (because I was assured that I must be doing something wrong and that others' Snuggies were not like that), but for whatever reason, I wasn't impressed. After about 5 minutes of attempting to love it as much as everyone else does, I gave up on it. Instead I went and got my almost, but not quite, just as obnoxious black Baby Phat 3/4 length robe that my mother got me for Christmas (it's trimmed in leopard) that actually IS super-soft and warm and keeps my buns toasty. I've been assured that the Slanket is superior to the Snuggie, but my robe, coupled with either some lounge pants and socks or a blanket burritoed around my legs, works just fine for me, thank you very much.
As for the Snuggie.... it is now shoved back in the box getting ready to go back to the store tomorrow, where I will get my money back and go buy myself some beers.
So now this seems to be the new hot thing in the blogosphere and the world of social networking. As if randomly sharing my mental outbursts on Twitter isn't enough.... now you can ask about all the spaces in between that I don't spontaneously reveal..... anonymously if you're so inclined.
Wanted to update you all on the progress of my loc journey. About a month ago (November 7th) I started my second set of locs after having a personal crisisneed for change in my life. Well, it's been a month so far, and here's where things stand:
Although my loctician had advised me not to wash my locs for 2 months (?!?!!) I couldn't take it anymore and went against her orders and washed it a few days before this picture was taken. Cleaning my scalp with astringent just wasn't cutting it, and if anything was making my scalp go berserk (I have dermatitis issues that get worse in the winter). I also work out at marital arts class 2 to 3 times a week. I needed water and soap.
So here's what I did: I rubber banded the ends of my hair in about 5 sections in attempts to minimize untwisting. I didn't use the shower head to wet my hair; rather, I used a water bottle and poured the water gently over my head. This was to cause the least amount of disturbance to the coils. I used T-Gel shampoo (remember, no "creamy" shampoos cuz they contain conditioner.... a no-no for new locs) which I applied using my fingertips and gently rubbed my scalp. Again I rinsed using the water bottle. I wrapped a towel around my head for several minutes and squeezed, not rubbed, to dry off the excess water. The goal in this whole process is to hold the coils intact as much as possible.
I retwisted my hair using double prong clips, diluted setting lotion and a very small amount of Organic Root Stimulator Loc 'n Twist Gel. I didn't really use a palm rolling technique since the twists are still mostly hollow coils, but instead I very gently twisted them with my fingertips to smooth down the loose hairs, useing just enough ORS gel to barely coat my fingertip. I finished off with some oil and let it dry. Everything turned out beautifully, although it was a little flat at first, but a few days and an evening of sweating in tae kwon do class took care of that.
I've since switched from using astringent in between washing to using witch hazel, which also has astringent properties but contains a lot less alcohol to dry and irritate your scalp. I do this about once a week and very gently retwist (over twisting can cause breakage). I just can't go weeks without doing anything to them, one because of my scalp issues, and two because I believe that just because you have locs it does not mean you cannot groom your hair.
So far I am absolutely loving my hair and am not regretting starting over for one minute. I think the curly-qs at the ends are rather adorable, and I'm starting to see the beginning of budding about 1/2 inch from the roots which I'm very excited about because it means I can shampoo more often. I'm still taking things slowly because, like many things in life, when you get to eager and rush you make mistakes. But so far, so good.
Last night I spent a lame Saturday night at home alone on the couch watched the movie Paper Heart, which is a documentary about love written and produced by actress and comedian Charlyne Yi (Jodi from Knocked Up).
(sorry, that's one of my favorite scenes.... I just had to include it)
Basically, Charlyne doesn't believe in love, doesn't know what love feels like, and doesn't ever believe she will be, or is capable of being, in love. So she sets out to interview people from all across the country to find out what is this thing called love, where to find it, and how you know that you're in it. The movie takes an interesting turn, however, when she meets Michael Cera (Paulie Bleeker from Juno) and the movie shows the real-life evolution of the relationship between Charlyne and Michael. Throughout the entire movie, Charlyne denies that she is in love with Michael, and insists (and believes) that they're just friends. There's one part (and this is in the trailer, so no spoiler) where she's interviewing a little girl who claimed to be in love with Chris Brown and the girl tells Charlyne that she's in obviously love with Michael, which Charlyne vehemently denies and replies "I'm not in love, YOU'RE in love!"....... and then the girl says "At least I admitted it!!" (Out of the mouths of babes.....)
I would have to say that this is the best movie about love that I have ever seen. Period. (no @DatNUPE) Forget The Notebook, forget Love Jones, forget Titanic (and Wall-E?? I saw this on a "Most Romantic Movies" list). These movies are the reason why people like Charlyne (and most of my friends) don't believe in love or that they are in love. These (fake) stories are presented to us as the truth of what love is, what it feels like, what it looks like, and how it happens. It's all passion and fireworks and butterflies and monologues. Paper Heart, through it's interviews with various couples and in seeing the development of Charlyne and Michael's relationship itself, reveals that's not the way it usually goes down.
I really identified with Charlyne and Michael in this movie and saw a lot of parallels to their relationship and my own. I'm not going to spoil it for you, but basically when they first met it definitely wasn't love at first sight, definitely didn't involve the traditional ideas of romance. But while their and many other's stories of "how we met" was lackluster by Hollywood standards, in hindsight there is something endearing in even the most bizarre, obscure, and inappropriate (a-hem) meetings and first dates. And relationships don't always follow the pattern of Boy meets Girl + Boy goes on dates with Girl + Boy and Girl realize the other is "the one" + Boy proposes to Girl + Boy marries Girl = love. There are many crazy twists and turns, start and stops, detours, loss of direction and surprise destinations. But with our Hollywood images of love we often don't recognize the other ways in which love arises, and thus are lead to believe we are not in love. Love is not only blind, but also deaf, dumb and directionally challenged.
This is my "how we met" story (sorry if you've heard it or read it before on AID): I was heading out to a Memorial Day barbecue and was pissed cuz the guy who I had been kinda dating (mostly talking to actually, cuz gas was $4.35 at the time) who was supposed to come with me canceled on me in favor of going to another (female) friend's event. I had to stop to put the tags on my car since it had almost gotten towed by my bitchassed apartment complex for being 2 weeks expired. As I was squatted down in my long hippie skirt and tank top, he walked by with his roommate and son. They stopped and introduced themselves, I introduced myself, and we went on our separate ways. I honestly thought nothing of it. A few days later I was at the pool with Mini-Me and I saw him again walking up to the leasing office, and he stopped to talk (asking me why I was at the pool at noon on a Tuesday) and handed me his card (which, BTW, is the classiest way to hand out your number) and told me that they sometimes play cards and drink with some other people that lived in his building. I used the card as a bookmark. Maybe that day or the next I came across the card while reading and for some reason sent him a text telling him that I don't play cards, but I do drink. This was completely, totally and utterly out of my character. Guys introduce themselves to me all the time and I NEVER reach out to them. I was also trying to get out of one dysfunctional and unhealthy "relationship" and get into another going-nowhere relationship, plus my divorce had just been finalized, so the last thing I was looking for was a new boo-thang. After that I invited him over to chill that Saturday. Something about him just put me at ease and it was so easy to talk to him, and I don't typically do well with new people. Longer story a little bit shorter, we drank, went to my Saturday spot, I introduced him to Djarum Blacks, went back to his place, threw up all over his toilet, and we had sex (thus our inside joke about Vanilla Mint Listerine). Romantic, huh? And we've been kickin' ever since for the past year and a half.
Was this love at first sight?? Happily ever after?? I could leave the story there and lead you to believe that. Assuming that I'd put myself into the automatic jump-off category, I kind of X'd him off the potential boyfriend list. He was also younger than me, really into the fraternity thing (which I'm not) and gave me a copy of a Lil Wayne CD, which caused me to (mistakenly) put him into the category of "typical" (but once he gave me a Little Brother CD, and I saw the can of yeast flakes on top of his fridge, I started to think maybe there was a little more to him). We hung out for months with no label, telling people that it was nothing, that we were just friends. I remember being out once a few months after we met and one of his friends asked about me, and he told him that I wasn't his girl and he could go ahead and holla (which hurt my feelings a bit, honestly). My friends kept asking me what the deal was with us, and I kept telling them I didn't know, probably because it wasn't smacking me in the forehead with the cliche stars and butterflies. I knew I liked him, I knew I liked spending time with him, I knew I liked having sex with him, but there was none of the typical Hollywood romance.
The same thing happened with Charlyne in Paper Heart. Their "romance" consisted of hanging out together, playing music, eating at crappy diners and chatting on IM. Likewise, my beau and I spent a lot of time chillin' on the couch watching free cable, eating home cooked meals and drinking cheap booze (Aldi Winking Owl Chardonnay and J. Roget champagne were staples). It took us a year to go on our first "real" date. But despite all that, I had fun.... he made me laugh, we had adventures (like our 3 hour excursion from the south to the west side looking for a movie and something to eat, only to end up right back at home doing the same thing I'd originally suggested: Chinese and DVD), and it didn't matter that it didn't look like the Hollywood version of romance.
Hindsight is 20/20 though, and I'm still a product of my social environment, so of course like an idiot I missed it for a loooong time. And I think this is not unusual. I talk with my friends about guys they are non-dating, and it's obvious that they like-like each other, but there is this resistance to the thought that maybe this is love, or at least the beginnings of it. Or, like Charlyne, they don't think they have ever been in love and aren't sure what love feels like. All they know is what the movies and songs tell them is supposed to be love. But how can you know you've never seen something if you don't know what it looks like?
I hate to tell you this, loved ones.... there is no definitive sign or feeling to look for to determine if you love someone aside from the basic requirements that you enjoy spending time with the person, you care about the well being of this person, and if the person were gone you'd be really bummed. But, you say, that's how I feel about all of my good friends! True. And that's why love is so hard to spot, because it does, and should, look a lot like friendship. There's definitely something more to it, though...... like I have good friends that I love to death, but I can go weeks or months without seeing them. I can't say the same thing about my beau..... through all our ups, downs, drama and break-ups, from day one I don't think I've never gone a week without seeing him. Because it hurts my soul not to see him. And I'm not even the type of chick that needs (or wants) someone up under her all the time. It's like the floater that you pay an extra $2 for in your drink..... there's that extra something that takes it to the next level.
Anyway..... see Paper Heart. Seeing and hearing the stories and viewpoints of the people in the movie gives a great perspective on love--real life love--much better than any blogger, song or romantic movie can. Then look around and see if maybe you've been missing something and that all this time love has been right in front of you.
"It's a dangerous necessity..... a world famous mystery...... love." ~ Mos Def
I've started a new thing on Twitter that I called Daughter of Priam Mind Music, or, as it's hash tag labeled, #DOPMindMusic. I got the idea from Got SOLE Boutique, who pretty much only Tweets the music currently playing in the shop (it's some good ish, too). And, like Got SOLE, most of the time people post songs they are currently listening to.
My list is a little different.
First of all, I LOVE music. I couldn't imagine a world without it, or how people drive without it, or how people are not interested in it period. I can't say I'm a connoisseur who knows every song title, artist, album, producer and sample origin, but I can just say I love all types of music. I don't believe in only sticking with one genre, or completely excluding a genre. Good music is just good music.
Secondly, I don't know what everyone else has going on in the background of their mind throughout the course of the day, but in my head there's always music. When I'm sitting around thinking about nothing in particular, or working on something mundane, or really just all the damn time, I have a melody or a hook or a line playing in my head. I hate the question "What are you thinking about right now?" because honestly it's rarely anything profound, and most likely the honest answer is going to be something like "The hook of Bonita Applebum by ATCQ" or "'What kind of fuckery is this? You made me miss the Slick Rick gig. And thought I didn't love you when I did.....' from Amy Winehouse's Me and Mr. Jones." Everyone gets songs stuck in their heads, but I have a whole iPod playlist stuck in my head about 85% of the time.
So the other day I had Guns 'n Roses "Welcome to the Jungle" and Dude 'N Nem "Watch My Feet" playing in my head almost simultaneously and was thinking "Where in the hell did these come from??" So I decided to start posting in real time what songs were going on in my head, and created the #DOPMindMusic hash tag to keep track. So far there have been songs such as:
The music spans all genres and decades. Sometimes a song in my head is triggered by something I see or hear, but most of the time it's completely and utterly out of the blue (although, perhaps my subconscious picked up on something). If I consciously try and put a random song in my head, it doesn't work. But I've just been trying to catch myself and keep track of the various songs that run through my head throughout the day.
Not sure what I'm going to do with it this yet, or if I'll do anything at all, but like all my blogging/tweeting/journaling, it's interesting to see if there's a pattern over time. Or maybe I'll make actual playlists. And actually I would LOVE if someone (i.e. a DJ) would take the list and make me a schweet mix. *hint hint*
Perhaps this means I'm crazy.... I dunno. But this is just a little insight into one of the ways in which my brain works. Hope you enjoy my Mind Music.
